I Am Series: #3 I Am Scared

Posted on by hhduchess

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I am a scared little girl who doesn’t believe in monsters under the bed or in the closet, but those that exist behind the face of every person I have ever loved. I am afraid of the lies that I’ve been told for far too many years and the naivety I was a victim of to  have believed the untruths from the beginning. I am scared to love and lose yet again, not in a romantic fashion, but to lose those I find to be near to my heart through familial ties.

I am not  ashamed to say that I am a scared little girl hidden, no, trapped, in the body of a grown woman surrounded by insecurities, bad memories, and scars that constantly fight against me in their own effort to escape and show off for all the world. I am locked inside this prison of fear with these…

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Love or ego?

Posted on by hhduchess

I have known him for more than 8 years. He has been in love with me for the past 7 years. I never knew what my feelings were exactly. In my defense, I was young, we were in different countries and somehow timing always fucked us up. So when the time was perfect for me to give in into those feelings he had moved on with a nice sweet obedient girl. According to him he still loved me but “you marry the safe Peugeot not the uncontrollable Ferrari” , his exact words. So when I found out that he is considering getting engaged to that girl my heart broke…

Did I love him? Was he my backup plan and now it’s gone? Did I truly believe that after 8 tumultuous years we would find our way to one another? I have no fucking idea

A friend of mine told me that it is not love because there was no real relationship to let this love be born and another who told me that love is basically an enjoyable routine.; I refuse to believe that. I am the girl who believes in love at first sight and overnight connections and quoting Oliva Pope “I want painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love”. 

Maybe it is my ego that is hurting because he moved on or maybe I do love him and feel that I screwed up something incredible or maybe just maybe he will eventually come back to me…

Lesson learned: If somebody loves you don’t take it for granted because one day this love will die. Don’t fuck it up my peasants…

HH Duchess